They will never know

people assume; its what they do. perhaps it is a corrective feedback to the negativity they experience themselves; people love judging others because its what makes them feel better about themselves in this mad world. they judge everything… like the way the lonely girl walks funny through the hallways at school or the way the fat kid constantly munches on a seemingly endless supply of smarties.

what they don’t know, however, is the way the lonely girl bawls softly at night into her pillow because she doesn’t know why she’s being picked on for wasting her leg away in dance practice at 3am one night from overexertion. what they don’t know, however, is the way the fat kid tried to slit his wrists whilst laying in a bathtub surrounded by the hardest of liquor for being made fun of for having an eating disorder despite (un)ironically munching away on his favourite smarties to seal away his destructive tendencies. what people don’t know are the untold stories that lie beneath the facades people wear on their faces whether they like it or not.

“get over it” – the common adage is rained down onto kids like us like unrelenting thunderstorms on a late summer night. they brush it aside as weakness – perhaps, we really are weak, aren’t we? to them, it feels as if its just a bridge that we all need to cross at some point in our lives, but is it really? from what I can see, the bridge is in tatters and the murky river below is filled with carnivorous man-eating fearless piranhas that would tear me apart, leaving me bloodied with my innards decorating the murky waters in a deep crimson red if I ever even fathomed crossing this perilous, precarious quasi-abysmal canyon. everybody’s on the other side abetting me to cross over with shrewd smiles as the rest of us stand on the other side of riverbank, staring blankly into the summer night sky; raindrops cover up my wasted façade and fill me up to the brim with both everything and nothing at the same time. my fingertips grow cold, hard and brittle as the raindrops trickle down to adorn every crease of my body with their unfriendly scorns, making my ever-cold soul even colder than the arctic sea. I step back from the bridge with my shoes crunching against the twigs beneath my soles, leaving imprints on the mud covered ground, for I am not as strong as people need people to be and I certainly didn’t want to try.

everything happens for a reason – that, I’m definitely sure of. girls don’t get to lead happy lives with their husbands as much as guys don’t get to fall in love with their childhood sweethearts for no good reason; there is always an underlying reason for anything and everything. for the bulky lot of you, I’m sure you have experienced euphoria, despair and agony as much as we do. you feel a wave of exuberance as you finally step through the airport gates to meet your family members after being drafted away to fight the war. you feel the rush of grief when someone dear to you passes away and crosses the bridge to enlightenment that things will never be the same again for you. you feel excruciating trauma as the person whom you thought to be the one true love of your life walks away and leaves you on the dirtied sidewalk of a busy street, trapping you in a loop of what ifs, hows and whys. these reasons are why we experience what we do… yet sometimes some reasons weigh far more than others – it feels like an unseen force pulling you down far harder than gravity ever could, and it cruelly draws you back to experience the same feeling of despondency and regret again and again like how the moon draws water… except that sometimes these waves turn into tsunamis and they crash so hard into our souls it breaks us whole – again and again.

sometimes we bare ourselves – our entirety to people we trust, only to be ridiculed and misunderstood. we unboard the wooden planks covering the windows to our cries for help, only to be crushed under the weight of unkind words and equally unkind actions. what was once a window of opportunity for salvation is now a window boarded shut, this time by iron bars, affixed to the edges like an unmoveable model, never to open again. its just so sad that what people will never know are the reasons that break our mind, our heart, our body and our soul and they’ll carry on pointing guns at us until one of us finally breaks and resigns from this cruel rat race in this cruel mad place.








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